I’m not supposed to be officially back from my hiatus until Sunday, but I felt I needed to get this out. There’s a lot going on in this little mind of mine.
I’m feeling loved…
I want to start this out positively and say that I lack no love in my life and for that I am eternally grateful. From my wonderful fiancé Dave to my always supportive family to the many bookish friends I have around the world, I am surrounded by an amazing support group and am so happy to have you all in my life. If you’ve ever talked to me in any way, from comments to emails to Twitter, please accept my sincere thanks.
(And yes, I did get engaged while I was gone. It was an absolutely amazing moment, and I feel so incredibly lucky that Dave has decided that he wants me in his future.)
I’m feeling drained…
That being said, I am feeling absolutely drained. I look at my inbox with emails I need to respond to, I look at the three hundred plus comments I need to reply to on the blog, I look at my Twitter and Facebook and Instagram… and I just have absolutely zero motivation to do any of it. It requires so much time, so much energy, so much everything, and I just don’t have any of that right now.
(Since I’ve come back to the States I was promoted into a managerial position at work. This means that I now work forty hours a week and a majority of those hours are spent assisting customers with their needs which, as any introvert knows, sucks out a lot of energy. Not only do I have less time to blog, I have less energy to do so too. I literally just come home every day and watch TV or YouTube videos because my brain can’t handle anything else.)
I’m feeling frustrated…
Of course, my lack of motivation absolutely frustrates me. I want to be able to do all the things I did before. I want to respond to all my comments and emails and tweets. I even save them all with the intent that I will do just that. But each day goes by and I have to keep pushing it off, and it only creates a bigger mess I need to sort out and more frustrated feelings that I just can’t seem to get on top of things.
(And can I just be super real for a second? I’m 100% frustrated with my current situation in life. Not that I’m living at home or working as a manager or any of that… just that I live in a world where two people who love each other and want to have a future together cannot do that because one does not make some stupid annual salary. Here I am, engaged to the one person who truly makes me feel at peace, and yet I still have to wait at least another three years before we can even live together in the same country, and then another five years after that before we can start having a family because the salary requirements increase which each kid. I mean, I’m content with the life I have set up for myself in the States for these next three years, but I can’t help but be frustrated that the life I want has to be put on hold because of stupid laws on immigration. It affects me no matter how hard I try to not let it.)
I’m feeling guilty…
I can’t help but feel really guilty about it all. How can I come back and keep blogging when I can’t keep on top of things? I know everyone says they’ll support me no matter what, but let’s be real. It sucks when you take time to visit a blog regularly and they don’t get around to ever responding to your comments or commenting back. Or when you reach out to them via email and don’t hear from them until two months later. It makes you feel like you don’t really matter. And I hate that. I don’t want anyone who visits my blog to ever think I don’t appreciate their kind words or that I am too good to respond. It makes me feel absolutely horrible.
(I also feel super guilty as a co-blogger. Kelley is waiting patiently for me to return to blogging, has always been super supportive of my hiatuses, and yet here I am with no motivation, energy, etc after a month away. If this were just my blog, I’m sure I would have attempted to quit a long time ago, but it’s not just mine and that makes it all the harder to decide where I’m at with things. I hate disappointing my friends.)
I’m feeling afraid…
Along with the guilt, there’s a fear I will lose everyone. It’s crazy to me to think about all the friends I have made through blogging and have lost just because they stopped blogging or we stopped commenting on each other’s blogs or whatnot. I want to form connections with so many people, but I’m afraid because the more I form the harder it is to maintain them all. I can only stretch so far. It gets to the point where each person only gets a little piece of me because I’m stretched so thin, and it’s barely enough to form any sort of friendship on.
(Especially because, let’s face it, with all the feelings I’m struggling with I just don’t have the energy to socialize. I honestly feel drained each time I see another tweet, email, etc because it’s just adding to the overwhelming pile of to-do. Part of me wants to just run away from it all so I can have a chance to breathe.)
I’m feeling like a fraud…
On top of everything else, I’m feeling like a fraud. A book blogger who barely reads? It’s pathetic. It’s like life has gotten so busy that in my mind I’ve had to sacrifice something, and that something has been books. And yet here I am, devoting whatever free time I have, to create this image that I’m such huge book nerd. What the hell, Asti?!
(Sometimes I also feel like an emotional fraud. Like I try to create this positive and upbeat image of myself online because I want to be friends with everyone and keep this a happy place, when really sometimes I just feel nothing like that. Like now. I’m just bitter and angry and tired and all the things, and yet I’m afraid to say any of it because I want people to think I’m a strong, happy, confident person. Ugh.)
I guess what I’m trying to say, if you couldn’t figure it out already, is
I’m feeling like this is the end.
Maybe it isn’t. Maybe this is just my depression sneaking up on me and making everything seem way worse than it is. But I have to be honest and say that each day that passes fills with me dread because I know my hiatus will soon be over and I should be back at it and yet I’m not. And that’s wrong. Oh so wrong.
Blogging should be a choice and for the past year, I can’t say that I’ve been choosing to blog. I’ve done it out of obligation to my co-blogger, to my readers, and to myself. I’ve told myself I had to do it to help me get a job in publishing (which obviously didn’t happen), to keep me distracted from the troubles in my life (when in reality it has started to add to them), because I’ll lose all my readers (and as much as one does it for oneself, it’s better with others) and because Kelley has been counting on me (though to be honest, I do wonder if blogging has hurt our friendship as we barely talk at much as we used to). It has become such a “has to” thing that I feel like I’ve lost myself in it.
If I’m going to blog, I want to blog the old Asti way. I want to create posts because I’m feeling inspired, interact with others without it feeling like a chore, and open my blog each day with excitement and opportunity. Until I feel I’m at a point where I can do that, I think I need to step away.
I hope you guys can understand.